I think this entry is going to be one of my most important ones, because it took me a while to know that what I was feeling was ok. It was normal, actually.
It's ok to be away. It means exactly what you think it does. It's ok to be away from baby, to want to be away from baby. It doesn't make you a bad mother, it just makes you human. One thing we have to remember is that even though we decide to have a child and grow our family, we are still individuals and need our "me" time. We also need "daddy and mommy" together time. Just because we are parents and have a beautiful little boy to take care of doesn't mean that we have to sacrifice our time together to do that.
Scott just spent a couple days with his grandma and grandpa and I can't tell you how nice it was to just be us again for a couple days. It was nice to be able to go out and drink with friends and stay out late. It was nice to just hang out with Nick and do nothing but relax.
But Saturday, when grandma and grandpa brought Scott home, my life was complete again. Even though it was nice to be without him for a day or two, it was even better to have him home! So, new mom's especially, have grandma and grandpa take him/her for a day or two and have time with your man. Or, have daddy hang out with him so you can go do something for yourself. We can't take care of a baby if we don't first take care of ourselves.
So, it's ok to be away.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Signs, signs everywhere signs
Some signs are easy to read. Stop. One way. Dead end.
Some signs are not as easy to read. Sometimes God gives you signs and you don't even realize they are signs.
Back up to the week before I went back to work. I was in the shower (I do all of my best thinking in the shower. Well, when I'm not singing) and I asked God to give me a sign on what I should do. Stay home with Scott or go back to work. I really wanted to stay home, but I knew financially it would be almost impossible. I enjoy what I do at work, and I love the students and my friends, but I have some complaints about certain things. I think that is typical, though, of all jobs.
It's my first week back and it's nice. It's actually nice to be back. I am getting back into the swing of things and then the postpartum stuff hits me. I call the doctor and get some anti-depressants. They are working wonders.
Fast forward now to last Friday. I get called into my boss's office. He informs me that, due to budget cuts, my position is being eliminated. Wait, back-up. What? He is very sorry but the district just doesn't have the money. I get angry. The DISTRICT doesn't have the money? Don't talk to me about not having money...now we are going to be a one-income family with a three month old baby, mortgage, car payment and a few miscellaneous small payments. I didn't say that, of course, I just sat there and cried. So many thoughts ran through my head but the biggest and scariest was "how are we going to pay our mortgage?" Yeah, I wanted to stay home but like I said, it is pretty much a financial impossibility. Until now. If my position is being eliminated that means I am getting laid off and that means I can draw unemployment. I am still angry and scared and worried about how I can help provide for my family.
The weekend gave me a lot of time to think. Mandi, remember when you asked God to give you a sign about whether or not you should stay home or go back to work? I think this is your sign. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I should be home with Scott. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and if me being laid off wasn't part of God's plan for my life, I really do not believe it would have happened. While what I can get from unemployment isn't going to be as much as I would make working, it will be enough to help us get by and figure out a budget. We won't be paying day care. I won't be paying all that gas money. But most of all, I can be home with Scott and be the stay at home mom that I have wanted to be since he was born.
God does listen to our prayers; he does give us signs. We just need to pay better attention to those signs.
Some signs are not as easy to read. Sometimes God gives you signs and you don't even realize they are signs.
Back up to the week before I went back to work. I was in the shower (I do all of my best thinking in the shower. Well, when I'm not singing) and I asked God to give me a sign on what I should do. Stay home with Scott or go back to work. I really wanted to stay home, but I knew financially it would be almost impossible. I enjoy what I do at work, and I love the students and my friends, but I have some complaints about certain things. I think that is typical, though, of all jobs.
It's my first week back and it's nice. It's actually nice to be back. I am getting back into the swing of things and then the postpartum stuff hits me. I call the doctor and get some anti-depressants. They are working wonders.
Fast forward now to last Friday. I get called into my boss's office. He informs me that, due to budget cuts, my position is being eliminated. Wait, back-up. What? He is very sorry but the district just doesn't have the money. I get angry. The DISTRICT doesn't have the money? Don't talk to me about not having money...now we are going to be a one-income family with a three month old baby, mortgage, car payment and a few miscellaneous small payments. I didn't say that, of course, I just sat there and cried. So many thoughts ran through my head but the biggest and scariest was "how are we going to pay our mortgage?" Yeah, I wanted to stay home but like I said, it is pretty much a financial impossibility. Until now. If my position is being eliminated that means I am getting laid off and that means I can draw unemployment. I am still angry and scared and worried about how I can help provide for my family.
The weekend gave me a lot of time to think. Mandi, remember when you asked God to give you a sign about whether or not you should stay home or go back to work? I think this is your sign. Maybe this is God's way of telling me that I should be home with Scott. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and if me being laid off wasn't part of God's plan for my life, I really do not believe it would have happened. While what I can get from unemployment isn't going to be as much as I would make working, it will be enough to help us get by and figure out a budget. We won't be paying day care. I won't be paying all that gas money. But most of all, I can be home with Scott and be the stay at home mom that I have wanted to be since he was born.
God does listen to our prayers; he does give us signs. We just need to pay better attention to those signs.
Monday, May 10, 2010
My first Mother's Day as a mom!
My first ever Mother's Day as a mom came and went and it was such a great day! I really don't have much to write about...just that we had lunch at my mom and dad's and my 6 year old niece painted my nails and it was just such a wonderful family day.
I still sometimes am in awe of Scott, and of the fact that I am a mom. I am responsible for caring for him, for teaching him right from wrong, for teaching him how to make good decisions, etc etc. He truly has been such a blessing and I am so thankful that he is healthy and growing and just a wonderful little baby!
I still sometimes am in awe of Scott, and of the fact that I am a mom. I am responsible for caring for him, for teaching him right from wrong, for teaching him how to make good decisions, etc etc. He truly has been such a blessing and I am so thankful that he is healthy and growing and just a wonderful little baby!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Sweet dreams are made of.........Zoloft?
So, I think I told you that I am on Zoloft for some post-partum issues. I don't know if it is/was actually depression, but it was something out of my control. Anyway, I have been on the Zoloft now for two weeks and I am having some of the most incredibly weird dreams. Like, out of this world you can't make this stuff up dreams. Here is my favorite:
I am at my parents house. My brother is there. Our pets are there with us. We are back in my mom and dad's bedroom playing with a hamster in a hamster ball (NONE of us own a hamster - and in the dream we are the age we are now...not kids). All of a sudden, a smoke detector goes off. It is sitting on the ground plugged into the wall. My brother suggests that since we have a fan pointed right on it, that might have set it off. We turn the fan off and unplug and reset the smoke detector. It goes off again. The other detectors go off. We see the smoke and get out of the house. I realize my cat, Sammy, is in the house. I get hysterical and the firefighters are holding me back. All of a sudden, a firefighter jumps out of the second story window with Sammy (my mom and dad's house is a ranch...).
Next thing I know, it's my entire family in the dream and we have no place to live. Apparently we all lived at my mom and dad's house. We are talking to our financial adviser at Edward Jones and he tells us he has an "executive suite" in his office (which he does not) and that we can all stay there until we find a place to live. So, it's getting close to bedtime and we are all getting settled in our cots and couches. Our financial adviser was there, too, and that was really weird. All of a sudden, snakes just start coming in from EVERY side of the suite. I am grabbing them (which would never EVER happen in real life) and tossing them out windows and doors. Then I wake up.
Ummmmmm....what the hell is that all about?
I am at my parents house. My brother is there. Our pets are there with us. We are back in my mom and dad's bedroom playing with a hamster in a hamster ball (NONE of us own a hamster - and in the dream we are the age we are now...not kids). All of a sudden, a smoke detector goes off. It is sitting on the ground plugged into the wall. My brother suggests that since we have a fan pointed right on it, that might have set it off. We turn the fan off and unplug and reset the smoke detector. It goes off again. The other detectors go off. We see the smoke and get out of the house. I realize my cat, Sammy, is in the house. I get hysterical and the firefighters are holding me back. All of a sudden, a firefighter jumps out of the second story window with Sammy (my mom and dad's house is a ranch...).
Next thing I know, it's my entire family in the dream and we have no place to live. Apparently we all lived at my mom and dad's house. We are talking to our financial adviser at Edward Jones and he tells us he has an "executive suite" in his office (which he does not) and that we can all stay there until we find a place to live. So, it's getting close to bedtime and we are all getting settled in our cots and couches. Our financial adviser was there, too, and that was really weird. All of a sudden, snakes just start coming in from EVERY side of the suite. I am grabbing them (which would never EVER happen in real life) and tossing them out windows and doors. Then I wake up.
Ummmmmm....what the hell is that all about?
Three months and counting!
Well, Scotty turned THREE MONTHS old on May 4th! I can't believe he has been in this world for three months now. It seems like just yesterday we found out we were pregnant. What made it even cooler is that Nick's birthday was also May 4th! I had conferences at work, so I was gone from 7 a.m. - 8:30 p.m. SO, I didn't get to properly celebrate with my guys! We did, however, go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant Wednesday night.
I am very excited because this year I will celebrate my first ever Mother's Day! I received my first MD card in the mail yesterday and it was the coolest feeling. I put it right up on my fridge! Sunday is going to be amazing, I just wish Nick didn't have to work.
I am very excited because this year I will celebrate my first ever Mother's Day! I received my first MD card in the mail yesterday and it was the coolest feeling. I put it right up on my fridge! Sunday is going to be amazing, I just wish Nick didn't have to work.
Monday, May 3, 2010
It's party time!
Nick and I were gearing up for a day and night at Soaring Eagle with my parents, brother and sister-in-law and niece. We met my parents and rode with them the rest of the way. We got there and checked in and redeemed our gambling credits. My brother had told me before that he has gotten into craps, not seriously, so he gave Nick and I a run down on the basics and we were ready to hit the casino floor. I was so excited! I bought beer and I was going to have some drinks and stay up all night and hang out with everyone.
We met up at the buffet around 6 and ate. After we gorged ourselves we hit up Kids Quest with Katie and Bella and Nick and I played some games and gave Bella our tickets so she could redeem them. As good as I thought I was at ski-ball, I really sucked it up. I also played the Deal or No Deal game and made it to the last two cases. Mine had either 400 or 20 tickets. I said no deal to 220 tickets hoping that I had 400. Not so lucky. Only 20. That's just a gamble you have to take, and since we were at a casino...
Nick and I hit the floor again. He had played a little blackjack earlier, and unfortunately he lost all his money. I hit up the craps table and started doing pretty good. I was next to a really nice gentleman who told me all the in's and out's of craps. He was also up $500 so I knew he knew what he was talking about. I had around $65-$70 (keep in mind we didn't have to gamble with our own money, we got some credits through a package deal) so I was doing really well. I started putting a little more money on the table and some people rolled 7's and I dropped down to about $38. I was done for the night.
I convinced Nick to go upstairs and drink some beer and then we would come back down. We decided to hang out in Ryan and Katie's room because Bella and dad were asleep in the room we were sharing with mom and dad. So, we grabbed some beer and snacks and headed over. I was feeling a little pooped out, so I stretched out in the bed. Nick got up to use the restroom....and I was asleep in the few minutes he was in there! I apparently was so exhausted I was OUT like a light. My big dreams of staying up late and drinking beer went down the drain and I was out by 10:15.
Overall, I had an amazing night. I missed the crap out of Scott, and was so happy to see him Sunday when we returned home. Next time, we will plan to take him. How old do babies have to be for you to take them into a pool? I don't plan on just tossing him in and saying "go ahead, swim!" but I don't know if it's ok to just stand around in the shallow end and dip him in, you know?
My anti-depressants have been working really well. This morning was kind of tough (not sure why) but after I got the meds in and a little caffeine I was feeling good. Tomorrow might be tough just because we have conferences and I won't be home until around 9 p.m. and I drop him off at day care at 7 a.m. This too shall pass so I need not worry about things.
Someone will be three months tomorrow....and it's also his daddy's birthday! I just can't believe he is three months already! Where has the time gone?
We met up at the buffet around 6 and ate. After we gorged ourselves we hit up Kids Quest with Katie and Bella and Nick and I played some games and gave Bella our tickets so she could redeem them. As good as I thought I was at ski-ball, I really sucked it up. I also played the Deal or No Deal game and made it to the last two cases. Mine had either 400 or 20 tickets. I said no deal to 220 tickets hoping that I had 400. Not so lucky. Only 20. That's just a gamble you have to take, and since we were at a casino...
Nick and I hit the floor again. He had played a little blackjack earlier, and unfortunately he lost all his money. I hit up the craps table and started doing pretty good. I was next to a really nice gentleman who told me all the in's and out's of craps. He was also up $500 so I knew he knew what he was talking about. I had around $65-$70 (keep in mind we didn't have to gamble with our own money, we got some credits through a package deal) so I was doing really well. I started putting a little more money on the table and some people rolled 7's and I dropped down to about $38. I was done for the night.
I convinced Nick to go upstairs and drink some beer and then we would come back down. We decided to hang out in Ryan and Katie's room because Bella and dad were asleep in the room we were sharing with mom and dad. So, we grabbed some beer and snacks and headed over. I was feeling a little pooped out, so I stretched out in the bed. Nick got up to use the restroom....and I was asleep in the few minutes he was in there! I apparently was so exhausted I was OUT like a light. My big dreams of staying up late and drinking beer went down the drain and I was out by 10:15.
Overall, I had an amazing night. I missed the crap out of Scott, and was so happy to see him Sunday when we returned home. Next time, we will plan to take him. How old do babies have to be for you to take them into a pool? I don't plan on just tossing him in and saying "go ahead, swim!" but I don't know if it's ok to just stand around in the shallow end and dip him in, you know?
My anti-depressants have been working really well. This morning was kind of tough (not sure why) but after I got the meds in and a little caffeine I was feeling good. Tomorrow might be tough just because we have conferences and I won't be home until around 9 p.m. and I drop him off at day care at 7 a.m. This too shall pass so I need not worry about things.
Someone will be three months tomorrow....and it's also his daddy's birthday! I just can't believe he is three months already! Where has the time gone?
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