That can NEVER happen to my child......

Oh yes it can.

Something happened last night.  And as embarrassing/shameful as it is to share, because it shows my failure as a mother in that incident, I am hoping that this will be a WARNING to all mothers out there.

I vacuum my floors every other day.  I should do it every day because of the pets but I don't.  Jake got a hold of a football toy that was Scott's.  He slobbed it all up and managed to chew off the white plastic part that was the laces of the football.  I picked it up right away and threw it away.

Nick took Scott back to give him a bottle and put him to bed and he mentioned something about how it looked like he was chewing.  We agreed that it was due to his teething and so was the drooling.  Scott took the bottle then went to bed.

About two hours later he started to fuss so I went in to see what was wrong.  He was really stuffy so I set him upright on his changing table and when I leaned him back to snort out his nose I noticed something white in his mouth.  OH MY GOD it was part of the white plastic thing from that football.  Thought #1 - holy shit (pardon me)!  He could have choked and died right in his crib right under our noses!  Thought #2 what the hell kind of mother doesn't look into her child's mouth when it looks like he is chewing on something?  Thought #3 - HOLY SHIT, MY CHILD COULD HAVE CHOKED ON THIS AND DIED!

Needless to say, I was a complete mess.  I was so messed up.  I was crying and I couldn't put him down.  I sat down in the chair to rock with him and he fell asleep and I just sat there CRYING and thanking God for watching over Scott, when I had failed to do that myself.  I am still so upset about this.  I can't believe that I didn't just check in his mouth.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not a bad mother.  I just made a mistake.  Yes, a mistake that could have turned out very badly, but it didn't and now I need to learn from it.

So, if you think it can't happen to your child, it can, and it probably will no matter how many times a day/week you vacuum, or clean up or pick up.  You child, especially a batboy toddler, will find things you didn't know were there so you need to be incredibly careful to make sure you pick up every single little thing.

Last night could have turned out so differently, so awful, but it didn't.  I made a vow last night that I will never again have the attitude that "it will never happen to my child" and I ask that you, too, make that same vow right now.

For You, Grandpa.

Exactly one year ago today (at 6:00 pm), my grandpa passed away.  I could go on and on and tell all of my memories of him.  Like the time we were in Ft Lauderdale and he put a little lizard on my arm and had me go knock at the door so my grandma would come.  She let out this loud scream and I just giggled and giggled.  Or the time we left Sunday coffee with his buddies and when we got to the street he and my grandma lives on, he let me climb into his lap and "steer" the car home.  Now, we all know who *really* did all the steering.  At church on Sunday when we would stand up to sing, he would always point at the wrong song so I would start to sing that one.

He was at every sporting event, every school concert, every time I sang in church, no matter what church it was.  He was always there, with the biggest smile on his face like I was his little shining star.  He always let me know how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  He was always there for me.  ALWAYS.

Grandpa, I know it's selfish, but I wish that you were back with me.  I wish that you were around to crack your jokes and to tell me that you love me.  I wish you were still here so that I could look out into the crowd at see you smile your smile at me.  I wish you were here to hug me again, like I was your favorite grandchild, although I know you hugged us all like that.  I wish you could meet Scott, I know you would be so proud of him and would love him so much.

But as much as I wish all of these things, I am glad that you don't hurt anymore.  That you aren't sick anymore.  Most of all I am glad that you are helping God prepare my place in Heaven, where we will one day be together again.

So, in honor of you today, on this one year anniversary of your passing, I leave you with this song, your favorite song.  My Way by Frank Sinatra.

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

Back to work, Back to work......

It's back to work for this girl!  I have had an incredible 7 months being home with Scott, and don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute of it, but I am the kind of person who needs to feel like she is doing something good for someone.  Again, not that I didn't get complete satisfaction knowing that I was being a great mom for Scott, I just needed to be out there helping others, too.

I am the latest part-time employee at a national baby retail chain.  I figured it wouldn't be too hard to be "away" from Scott if I surround myself with baby products!  And, I wanted to be there to help expecting/new moms and anyone getting a gift for an expecting/new mom.

Tomorrow is my 1st real day (of not being in orientation and watching videos) of being on the floor and learning stuff.  I am pretty pumped so cross your fingers that it all goes swimmingly!