For You, Grandpa.

Exactly one year ago today (at 6:00 pm), my grandpa passed away.  I could go on and on and tell all of my memories of him.  Like the time we were in Ft Lauderdale and he put a little lizard on my arm and had me go knock at the door so my grandma would come.  She let out this loud scream and I just giggled and giggled.  Or the time we left Sunday coffee with his buddies and when we got to the street he and my grandma lives on, he let me climb into his lap and "steer" the car home.  Now, we all know who *really* did all the steering.  At church on Sunday when we would stand up to sing, he would always point at the wrong song so I would start to sing that one.

He was at every sporting event, every school concert, every time I sang in church, no matter what church it was.  He was always there, with the biggest smile on his face like I was his little shining star.  He always let me know how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  He was always there for me.  ALWAYS.

Grandpa, I know it's selfish, but I wish that you were back with me.  I wish that you were around to crack your jokes and to tell me that you love me.  I wish you were still here so that I could look out into the crowd at see you smile your smile at me.  I wish you were here to hug me again, like I was your favorite grandchild, although I know you hugged us all like that.  I wish you could meet Scott, I know you would be so proud of him and would love him so much.

But as much as I wish all of these things, I am glad that you don't hurt anymore.  That you aren't sick anymore.  Most of all I am glad that you are helping God prepare my place in Heaven, where we will one day be together again.

So, in honor of you today, on this one year anniversary of your passing, I leave you with this song, your favorite song.  My Way by Frank Sinatra.

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

Back to work, Back to work......

It's back to work for this girl!  I have had an incredible 7 months being home with Scott, and don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute of it, but I am the kind of person who needs to feel like she is doing something good for someone.  Again, not that I didn't get complete satisfaction knowing that I was being a great mom for Scott, I just needed to be out there helping others, too.

I am the latest part-time employee at a national baby retail chain.  I figured it wouldn't be too hard to be "away" from Scott if I surround myself with baby products!  And, I wanted to be there to help expecting/new moms and anyone getting a gift for an expecting/new mom.

Tomorrow is my 1st real day (of not being in orientation and watching videos) of being on the floor and learning stuff.  I am pretty pumped so cross your fingers that it all goes swimmingly!

Mr. Get-A-Round

Well, Mr. Scott is crawling and pulling himself up on EVERYTHING and it's so cute!  When he first started crawling he was so slow going and so careful.  Now he is just so brave and there is no obstacle he won't take on.....especially Braylon!

The kid is fearless.  He just goes!  It's so funny when he sees something he really wants he does the crawling equivalent of running!  He is so happy that he can crawl to the dogs now, and he greets them with an open mouth.  Yuck!  No kisses in the mouth, Braylon and Jake!

The Biggest Loser?

So, Nick and I got a XBOX 360 Kinect and the technology is pretty cool.  I really wanted to get the Biggest Loser game because I thought "Nothing will kick my butt like Jillian Anderson" or whatever her name is.  So, I did the initial test and measurements and that, and waited to start because I was heading out of town for a few days the day after we bought it.

Well, tonight was the magic night.  I did a 20 minute workout and all I have to say is that *THIS* girl is so out of shape it's not even funny.  I was so tempted to pull the blinds for fear that my neighbors might see me and laugh and my chubby butt bouncing around!!!  Haha!  BUT, I patted myself on the back because I battled through and didn't give up and tailored my own workout plan and eating/calorie intake (yes, just in time for Christmas, none-the-less).

I have to admit that I have a very narcissistic view of myself.  The woman I see in the mirror doesn't in any way reflect the woman I see in pictures.  I don't hate myself, not by any means.  I love myself, actually.  I think I am a great and loving person, a good wife, a good mother and a good friend.  However, I would like to lose some weight and be a little more fit.  We would like to have another child, and I think it would be better for me to be in better shape.

I don't really like new year's resolutions because for some reason I always seem to fail.  Actually, I did make good on my last new year's resolution so that is a plus!  So, consider this my goal in order to have another baby!  Get fit!

Living for God!

Well, I have finally found a church to attend regularly (when I am not back in my hometown visiting my parents) and I really enjoy it.  I am so proud of myself for the changes I have made!

1) I have cut back a lot on my cursing.  I know that sounds silly, but I used to swear a lot, and now I notice how much those around me swear and their choice of words.
2) I have STOPPED using the Lord's name in vain.  YES, while it is very embarrassing to say that I even did that to begin with, it was like the swearing.  It just came so easily to me.
3) I have truly opened my heart to Jesus and live for him, burn for him, and try to be the person he wants me to be.  I am cutting myself off from any kind of family drama/gossip.  For those of you who know my family or ARE my family, please do not jump to any conclusions here.  I have three different sides of family now.  Every family has their drama, whether it's big or small.  I just really wish to remove myself from all of that.  From feeling angry or hurt when people say something without thinking, or favor one more than the other, or talk about another member of the family.  I just want to get away from it and LOVE everyone.  You can't pick your family, so you might as well just decide to get over your negative feelings and just accept your family and just love them unconditionally.  God loves YOU and ME that way.  He gave His son to die for YOU and ME.  Now that's love.
4) I am trying to be the person that God wants me to be.  I want to give more.  While we aren't rich with lots of money to hand out, we are rich in love.  You can give your time, you can give homemade soup or hot chocolate.  You can give your prayers.

I like to think that I am a good person, and no good person, even a good Christian, goes without their "weak" moments, or their moments where they didn't act or say or do what God would have wanted them to do.  I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be, but I believe that by trying my best every day to be the woman, wife, mother, sister, cousin, friend that GOD wants me to be, then I am doing something right.

How time flies

Has it really been six months since my last post?  Wow.  Well, my last post was July and Scott would have been 4 months...

He is 10 months old TODAY!  He started crawling last weekend, and about a month/month and a half before that he got his two bottom front teeth.  I can't believe how fast he is growing up and how fast time is flying!

I am still at home with him, something that I hope can continue, but there hasn't been any recent extensions in unemployment so I am thinking about getting a part time job at Barnes & Noble.  I think it would be nice to get out every now and then, and I can be around books!

Time will tell what God's plan for me is.  So until I get word from Him, I will just continue on having a blast with Scott!

Baby blues and baby tunes

In order to end on a happy note, I have to start out with the more serious part of this blog.  Most of you know that I was put on Zoloft for postpartum depression.  It wasn't too bad, so I was on a small dose.  Well, since I have been staying home with Scott it has gotten worse.  Don't get me wrong, I love Scott more than anything and feel so blessed to have such a sweet, precious little boy...but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed because I literally spend every second with him!  And while I enjoy spending all the time with him it can sometimes get to me.  So, I called the doctor (mama called the doctor and the doctor said.....) and the decided to double the dose I was taking.  I am writing about this because I want any new mom, or any mom with an infant to know that IT'S OK to feel that way.  It's ok to cry or to feel overwhelmed.  What isn't ok is to ignore it.  If you feel like you are going crazy or are at your wit's end, call your doctor.  There are so many moms out there who feel like that, too, and they called their doctor and are getting help.  There is nothing wrong with getting help - especially when it comes to baby.

Now, on to the fun stuff!  Those of you who know me know that I love to sing.  And those of you who know me well know I LOVE love love to make up songs.  Well, to take existing songs and change the words around.  Here are some examples:

-A bay bay - "Hey Bray Bray" (one of my dogs' name is Braylon)
-Whatta man - "Whatta baby whatta baby whatta baby what a mighty cute baby" and "you so crazy, I'm pretty sure that you're my baby"
-Power of Love - "Cause you're my baby, and I am your mom"
And my favorite - Baby Got Back- "I like cute babies and I cannot lie, you other mamma's can't deny...." and "So your baby rolls a Graco..."

Mostly, I just love singing to Scott.  Me being laid off really was a huge blessing in disguise.  I have been to blessed to be able to stay home with Scott and spend all this time with him.  Every day is a new thing, and it never gets boring, that's for sure!