I get so emotional, baby.....

It started earlier in the week.  It hit me in the evening.  I just got really sad and I started to think about a lot of things like spending time with Scott when I get home from work vs. cleaning or cooking or doing other household chores.  The main thing is it's starting to really bother me that I don't have all that time with Scott anymore since I went back to work.  I know that there are so many good things about him being in day care - interaction with other kids, other adults, learning to play with others and share, etc.  I know that there are so many other moms who go back to work and their kids turn out fine and they are fine.  I know those things.  I have pictures of Scott up at my desk and also have a digital picture frame so I see a bunch of pictures of him every day.

So why am I crying all the time?

I stayed home from work today.  I woke up and was getting around for work and here come the water works.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was crying when I called my boss.  I don't understand what is happening.  I keep thinking this is just a phase and I will get past it, but it's just getting harder and harder.

I called my doctor and spoke to a nurse about what was going on.  She said she would talk to the doctor and that she would probably prescribe some Zoloft.  I knew two things about that 1) it's an anti-depressant and 2) they have the commercials with that little blob guy hopping around moping and after he starts taking it he feels better.  So, they call me back and tell me what is going on and let me know that what I am going through is ok and is normal in a lot of women and that the medicine can't fix it, but it can make going through this phase easier.  Zoloft, here I come.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this or not.  My first thought was embarrassment.  I thought it was silly that I was feeling this way.  I thought that I was just being a baby and that I needed to toughen up.  Then I realized, as I sat in my car during lunch yesterday and watched my boss pull into the parking lot and get out of his car and I start bawling, that something just wasn't right.  What was it about him that upset me?  Was I angry?  Why was I crying at the sight of him?  And then I realized there wasn't a reason and there was nothing about him that made me cry, I just cannot control my emotions right now and need some help.

My reason for writing this is to let other new moms know that if you are having the same feelings I am describing, you aren't alone.  Don't be scared by what you are going through, because a lot of other moms go through it, too.  There is help out there, and you don't have to "toughen up."  So talk to someone...your doctor, your mom, your best friend.  Heck, even your husband.  I was afraid to talk to him about this for fear that he might think I was blaming him for me having to go back to work.  He was very understanding.

Just know you will be ok.

Growing further and further from myself

I would love to be able to stay home with Scott.  I think about him all day at day care and the cute things he does that I don't get to see anymore all day.  I think about when he crawls for the first time and will it really be the first time he crawls?  What if he crawled earlier that day at day care and I missed it?  And his first steps?  First words?  While yes, you could argue that when I see them they will be firsts for me, but now every time he does something I am going to question whether or not it is actually the first time.  I can't bear the thought that the first time he says "mama" might not be to me.

The best part of my day is at 4:15 - 4:20 when I pull up to day care and I see Scott.  I stay at day care for about 10 minutes just holding him because I'm not ready to put him down yet.  I think about him all day and I try to be strong and I try to act like I am fine but I'm not.  I want more than anything to be home with him, to be a housewife/stay at home mom.  Financially, it's impossible.  There is just no way we could make it work.

I know that there are millions of moms who go back to work and their kids go to day care and they turn out just fine.  I know that a lot of moms who go back to work turn out fine and are good mothers.  I also know that I feel like I don't have enough quality time with him in the evening because I feel like there are a million things I need to do around the house and I don't have nearly enough time to do them.  I dread going to bed because that means tomorrow will come soon and I will have to once again leave my son and that is something that is tougher and tougher every day.

My little lamb of God

Baptism day was approaching.  I was so excited.  Just the thought of Scott being baptized in the church where I was a member was very special and meaningful.  I bought the cutest little baptism outfit complete with bonnet and knee socks.

It's Sunday and all of our family is there.  Scott's godmother and godfather are there.  I was so afraid that he might get fussy during the service but he was so good.  He got a little cranky once, but I just walked around with him for a little bit and then he fell asleep.  It's time.  We are called up.

The pastor does a beautiful job, and as he is baptizing Scott he never wakes up!  The entire congregation stands in support and encouragement of us and it was one of the most moving and powerful moments in my life.

In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the baby sleeps all night

We arrived at my mom and dad's house last night (around 8:30 p.m.) and that is normally when we try to put him to bed.  Well, he was hungry and then he was awake for a little bit so he eventually went down around 10:30 p.m.  Jake came in and woke me up sometime in the night because he had to go potty and I looked at the clock and it said 3:30 a.m. and I thought "Cool, Scott is still sleeping!"  I came back into the bedroom and laid back down.

Scotty started fussing and I got up and we changed his diaper.  I came out to the kitchen to make a bottle and I looked at the clock and it was 5:30 a.m.!!!  He slept through the night for the first time!  My mom and I decided that we would each take a night to have Scott in the room and last night was our night with him.  Tonight he will be with grandma and grandpa so I hope he sleeps all night for her!  Nick joked that we should let him sleep all day haha!

Tomorrow is baptism day!!  We are so excited!  There are so many people coming to the baptism and that makes me feel so good that so many people love Scott and want to be there for his special occasion.

It's a Beautiful Day!

We had the best night and morning!!!  Daddy gave Scott a bath and he went to sleep around 8:30.  He slept until 1:30, had a diaper change and a bottle, then went back to sleep.  He was ready to get up at 5 which is exactly what I want!  I am trying to get him into a schedule now and it's all coming together!  Nick woke up with us this morning and got around first and hung out with Scott while I got ready.  It was so nice to be up together, all of us.  Maybe tomorrow I will plan better so I can pack Nick a lunch.

If I get him up at 5:00, change his diaper and get him dressed for the day and feed him, he can hang out in his swing or bouncy seat while I get ready.  It doesn't really take me long to get ready so we (ideally) will have time to hang out or play a little bit or smile at each other for about 15-20 minutes before we have to go to day care.  I even got to stop for coffee this morning!  I called my order in ahead of time but still.....

Life is so great.

You're two months old already?!

I'm skipping ahead to present day.  Scott will be 10 weeks old this Thursday (April 15th) and I can't believe how old he is getting!  He started day care this week, and he is doing really well.  He had his 2 month well baby visit Monday and that means he received his first batch of immunizations.  I was not at all prepared for his reaction to the shots.  It was the most heart-wrenching scream I had heard from him yet.  My heart just broke and I picked him up as soon as the nurses let me.  I held him close and talked softly to him and he calmed right down.  I hated the fact that he was so upset, but it warmed my heart at how just my touch and voice could soothe him.

Today at day care when I went to pick him up he was being changed and I walked into the room and started talking to him and he turned his head towards me when he heard my voice!  That was one of the coolest feelings I have ever had!  He recognized my voice!  I am amazed every day by how incredible he is, by how incredible it is that Nick and I created him, that God gave us the ability to create a life.

I love being a mommy so much.

Now what do we do?

It's our first day home.  The dogs are so excited to see us and are so curious about what daddy has in that big thing he is carrying.  We get Scott out and they can't get close enough, but we know we have to keep them back because he is too small for them to be in his face!  They finally get used to him after about a day, and they turn into his protectors.  They constantly check up on him and follow Nick and I wherever we go with him.

We take Scott to his first appointment and the doctor notices he is a little more jaundice than when we were in the hospital so they check his bilirubin.  Yep, a little high.  We schedule a re-check in a couple of days.  We go back in and it's higher yet so they put an order in for a bili-blanket.  He was on that for about 36 hours and his bilirubin levels were down and he was allowed to quit the blanket!

He dropped down to 7 lbs 5 oz when we left the hospital so the doctor wanted us to closely watch his weight.  I was having kind of a hard time breast feeding, whether it was getting him to latch on, keeping him awake or getting him to suck once he was latched on.  It was so much more physically demanding than I had anticipated, and after three weeks I stopped.  I was still able to pump, but we had to start formula.  Once we started formula he started gaining weight at a normal pace.

Whew!  We made it through the first couple weeks!