It started earlier in the week. It hit me in the evening. I just got really sad and I started to think about a lot of things like spending time with Scott when I get home from work vs. cleaning or cooking or doing other household chores. The main thing is it's starting to really bother me that I don't have all that time with Scott anymore since I went back to work. I know that there are so many good things about him being in day care - interaction with other kids, other adults, learning to play with others and share, etc. I know that there are so many other moms who go back to work and their kids turn out fine and they are fine. I know those things. I have pictures of Scott up at my desk and also have a digital picture frame so I see a bunch of pictures of him every day.
So why am I crying all the time?
I stayed home from work today. I woke up and was getting around for work and here come the water works. I couldn't stop crying. I was crying when I called my boss. I don't understand what is happening. I keep thinking this is just a phase and I will get past it, but it's just getting harder and harder.
I called my doctor and spoke to a nurse about what was going on. She said she would talk to the doctor and that she would probably prescribe some Zoloft. I knew two things about that 1) it's an anti-depressant and 2) they have the commercials with that little blob guy hopping around moping and after he starts taking it he feels better. So, they call me back and tell me what is going on and let me know that what I am going through is ok and is normal in a lot of women and that the medicine can't fix it, but it can make going through this phase easier. Zoloft, here I come.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this or not. My first thought was embarrassment. I thought it was silly that I was feeling this way. I thought that I was just being a baby and that I needed to toughen up. Then I realized, as I sat in my car during lunch yesterday and watched my boss pull into the parking lot and get out of his car and I start bawling, that something just wasn't right. What was it about him that upset me? Was I angry? Why was I crying at the sight of him? And then I realized there wasn't a reason and there was nothing about him that made me cry, I just cannot control my emotions right now and need some help.
My reason for writing this is to let other new moms know that if you are having the same feelings I am describing, you aren't alone. Don't be scared by what you are going through, because a lot of other moms go through it, too. There is help out there, and you don't have to "toughen up." So talk to someone...your doctor, your mom, your best friend. Heck, even your husband. I was afraid to talk to him about this for fear that he might think I was blaming him for me having to go back to work. He was very understanding.
Just know you will be ok.
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