Time to let go already?

You know how you have to "let go" of your child when they go off to college?  Or when they get married?  Nobody told me I would have to do that by the time Scott was 16 months old.

Something changed in me when Scott was born.  In a matter of SECONDS, I was willing to die for this baby that I had yet to see (because he was born by c-section).  I would jump in front of a bullet, in front of a train, if I knew it would spare his life.  In a matter of seconds, I loved harder and in such a different way than I had ever loved before.

Scott has an incredible family, and Nick and I have a great support system in helping us care for him.  I have never, ever been concerned that he wasn't in good hands with our family members who watch him (so if you are reading this PLEASE don't think that!  If I was that worried he wouldn't have spent time alone with you haha!), but there is always this part of me that is scared to death that something might happen.  What if he falls down and hurts himself?  What if there is a car accident?  What if.......?  And then it hit me.  All of those things could happen to him on MY watch.

And the other part to that is "I forgot to tell him that he likes blah blah blah" or "I wonder if they know to slice the grape in half, and then quarter the halves" or "make sure he has blanky at bedtime."  I then remind myself that the people Scott is with have raised their own kids.

Man, there is so much parenting books don't teach you.

My name is Mandi...

...and I am an over-eater.

After reading an article in some magazine at work in the break room today I have come to the hard realization that I am an over-eater.  I splurge and it's bad and I think it could be one of the biggest reasons I am the weight that I am.  It's no big deal for me to eat an entire box of swiss cake rolls in two days.  I know, that is so terrible and you may be thinking "whoa!" because that is exactly what I am thinking as I write this.  I know that for me to be successful in my journey to a healthier me I have to face my food demons, and this is one of them.

Remember when I said in one of my first posts about how I didn't want to say I had an addiction because I felt it was a slap in the face to someone with a "real" addiction?  Hello, denial, we meet at last.  I think that I may have a bit (putting it nicely) of an addiction to food.  I don't get just one candy bar.  I get an entire box from Sam's club.  A box of Little Debbie's doesn't last long around me.  Two days tops most of the time.  I have a really hard time with having just a little bit.

One of the things the writer of the article said was that it was easier to have none than to have one and it got me thinking.  Do I have the self-discipline to have, every now and than, one sweet?  Do I have the willpower to have one package of swiss cake roll and not the entire box?  Do I need to just say goodbye and cut myself off?

I guess I am having a hard time with this one.  Alcoholics don't get to have a drink here and there.  Crackheads don't get to have a hit off the pipe here and there.  Here is where it gets me - is food ruining my life the way drugs or alcohol ruin other people's lives?  I thought that I believed that the saying "all things in moderation" was true, that it applied to me.  Does it?  Or do I need to "get off the crack pipe," so-to-say?

Day 3

Weight: 226.6
Date: 3/24/11
Trained with Tom

Yeah, you read that correctly.  226.6.  Down from my 230.4 the night before.  I should probably start putting a date in, huh?  It will make logging this stuff a little easier!

Thursday's workout was awesome.  I was able to increase the weight/resistance on some of my exercises and Tom showed me a few new ones.  One of them I hate but kind of love because I can definitely feel some results in my stomach section (one of my major bad areas) and it's actually something I can do here at home because I have an exercise ball!

I splurged on dinner tonight.  I went to Wendy's and got a grilled chicken sandwich, SMALL fry and a Pepsi.  Would have gotten diet, but I don't like Diet Pepsi.  I like Diet Coke, but not Diet Pepsi.

I can't like and say that every second of every day I am pumped about my workouts, because I know how hard it's going to work me, but I can say that every second of every day I am looking forward to a healthier me, and that makes me not dread the workouts as much!  Haha!

Fly

3/24/11

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 
Fly by Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna


Tonight I rocked out the cardio at the gym.  Nick and Scott and I went to the mall earlier in the day and I got some pretty tight shoes.  I'm not gonna lie, I might sleep with them on tonight.  Or sleep with them, snuggling them all night.  Anyway, I digress......I rocked out the treadmill and my iPod to the tune of 3.5 miles, 469 calories and one hour.  And, make sure you are sitting down.  For two of those minutes (not consecutively) I jogged.  Yeah, 2 minutes out of 60 I jogged.  Eat it.  Actually, if you knew how badly out of shape I am you would think that is awesome the way I think it's awesome.


I also hopped on the scale at the gym and was sad to see it read 230.4 lbs.  Must be my scale at home is crappy and it sucks so I guess I will have to use theirs from now on, or just go out and buy a nice scale.  Which we need anyway....and it's nice to have one at home.


While at the mall I got a text from Tom reminding me about our workout tomorrow.  I told him that I got some new kicks and he was pumped about it.  I am sure he will think they are pretty much the most awesome shoes ever.


Ok, now I am going to rest a bit and probably shower cause I am a stinky-butt.

Bad food! Bad, bad food!

Today was a bad food day for me.  I won't go into lots of detail here, but I am going through that special time that females go through so I am naturally out of sorts.  I had a really, REALLY bad food day.

I indulged in ice cream and fast food (ok, and I had a carmello bar) and I am feeling so guilty and bad about it!  I know that I can't just stop one eating lifestyle and start the other up and not have slip ups.  I don't at all want to make my situation out to be some sort of food addiction, because I don't think that's fair to people who actually HAVE addictions and I don't.  I don't want to make light of their situation.  But today I just could not get enough, and I let the temptation get the best of me.

I guess that means double-time on the cardio tomorrow!  :-)

Day 2

Weight - 223 (I don't think there has been a true drop in 7 pounds, our scale is old and rickity)

Today was awesome!  We did most of the same things as Saturday, but I was able to go at them a little faster.  One particular thing, that I couldn't do all 20 of consecutively, I was able to do today consecutively!  I felt the burn a little bit more with today's exercises.  After my workout with Tom (I keep wanting to call him Tony!) I went upstairs and hit the treadmill but only for 10 minutes.  I had a bit of a pain in my chest (NOTHING to worry about.  I am fine!) so I hopped on the bike for 10 minutes/1.3 miles.  Scott had fun playing with the other kiddos in the child care area.

Overall, it was a great workout!

Day 1

Weight - 230 lbs
Trainer - Tom (Tom is the man!)

Oh man!  Tom kicked my ass!  He had me do all sorts of activities.  I was working muscles I didn't know I had anymore.  I thought for a little while after our workout that I might puke.  This is going to sound weird, but, THANK YOU, Tom!

First activity - squat down with medicine ball, touch medicine ball on ground, stand up put medicine ball over head and JUMP.  I did two sets of 20.  (I need to mention that the walls are covered in mirrors).  Ummm, Tom, we need to talk.  This activity does not look good on me!  Haha!  As much as I hated it and it burned and I looked like the chubby girl who was really out of shape, I almost can't wait to do more because I know how good it is for me!  We did about 10-15 different activities, two sets of each.  As I was doing each one, some a lot tougher than others, all I could think about was the end result.  I will be healthier.  I will look better, and feel better about the way I look and the way I feel.

After our workout, Tom and I sat down and we talked numbers.  I hate the word diet, because to me it has a negative connotation.  I don't need a diet, I need a lifestyle change.  He gave me some tips on eating healthier and ways to make that easier.

I know I have a steep, up-hill battle to climb.  As hard as it is going to be, I can't help but be excited to start climbing.