I get so emotional, baby.....

It started earlier in the week.  It hit me in the evening.  I just got really sad and I started to think about a lot of things like spending time with Scott when I get home from work vs. cleaning or cooking or doing other household chores.  The main thing is it's starting to really bother me that I don't have all that time with Scott anymore since I went back to work.  I know that there are so many good things about him being in day care - interaction with other kids, other adults, learning to play with others and share, etc.  I know that there are so many other moms who go back to work and their kids turn out fine and they are fine.  I know those things.  I have pictures of Scott up at my desk and also have a digital picture frame so I see a bunch of pictures of him every day.

So why am I crying all the time?

I stayed home from work today.  I woke up and was getting around for work and here come the water works.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was crying when I called my boss.  I don't understand what is happening.  I keep thinking this is just a phase and I will get past it, but it's just getting harder and harder.

I called my doctor and spoke to a nurse about what was going on.  She said she would talk to the doctor and that she would probably prescribe some Zoloft.  I knew two things about that 1) it's an anti-depressant and 2) they have the commercials with that little blob guy hopping around moping and after he starts taking it he feels better.  So, they call me back and tell me what is going on and let me know that what I am going through is ok and is normal in a lot of women and that the medicine can't fix it, but it can make going through this phase easier.  Zoloft, here I come.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this or not.  My first thought was embarrassment.  I thought it was silly that I was feeling this way.  I thought that I was just being a baby and that I needed to toughen up.  Then I realized, as I sat in my car during lunch yesterday and watched my boss pull into the parking lot and get out of his car and I start bawling, that something just wasn't right.  What was it about him that upset me?  Was I angry?  Why was I crying at the sight of him?  And then I realized there wasn't a reason and there was nothing about him that made me cry, I just cannot control my emotions right now and need some help.

My reason for writing this is to let other new moms know that if you are having the same feelings I am describing, you aren't alone.  Don't be scared by what you are going through, because a lot of other moms go through it, too.  There is help out there, and you don't have to "toughen up."  So talk to someone...your doctor, your mom, your best friend.  Heck, even your husband.  I was afraid to talk to him about this for fear that he might think I was blaming him for me having to go back to work.  He was very understanding.

Just know you will be ok.

Growing further and further from myself

I would love to be able to stay home with Scott.  I think about him all day at day care and the cute things he does that I don't get to see anymore all day.  I think about when he crawls for the first time and will it really be the first time he crawls?  What if he crawled earlier that day at day care and I missed it?  And his first steps?  First words?  While yes, you could argue that when I see them they will be firsts for me, but now every time he does something I am going to question whether or not it is actually the first time.  I can't bear the thought that the first time he says "mama" might not be to me.

The best part of my day is at 4:15 - 4:20 when I pull up to day care and I see Scott.  I stay at day care for about 10 minutes just holding him because I'm not ready to put him down yet.  I think about him all day and I try to be strong and I try to act like I am fine but I'm not.  I want more than anything to be home with him, to be a housewife/stay at home mom.  Financially, it's impossible.  There is just no way we could make it work.

I know that there are millions of moms who go back to work and their kids go to day care and they turn out just fine.  I know that a lot of moms who go back to work turn out fine and are good mothers.  I also know that I feel like I don't have enough quality time with him in the evening because I feel like there are a million things I need to do around the house and I don't have nearly enough time to do them.  I dread going to bed because that means tomorrow will come soon and I will have to once again leave my son and that is something that is tougher and tougher every day.

My little lamb of God

Baptism day was approaching.  I was so excited.  Just the thought of Scott being baptized in the church where I was a member was very special and meaningful.  I bought the cutest little baptism outfit complete with bonnet and knee socks.

It's Sunday and all of our family is there.  Scott's godmother and godfather are there.  I was so afraid that he might get fussy during the service but he was so good.  He got a little cranky once, but I just walked around with him for a little bit and then he fell asleep.  It's time.  We are called up.

The pastor does a beautiful job, and as he is baptizing Scott he never wakes up!  The entire congregation stands in support and encouragement of us and it was one of the most moving and powerful moments in my life.

In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the baby sleeps all night

We arrived at my mom and dad's house last night (around 8:30 p.m.) and that is normally when we try to put him to bed.  Well, he was hungry and then he was awake for a little bit so he eventually went down around 10:30 p.m.  Jake came in and woke me up sometime in the night because he had to go potty and I looked at the clock and it said 3:30 a.m. and I thought "Cool, Scott is still sleeping!"  I came back into the bedroom and laid back down.

Scotty started fussing and I got up and we changed his diaper.  I came out to the kitchen to make a bottle and I looked at the clock and it was 5:30 a.m.!!!  He slept through the night for the first time!  My mom and I decided that we would each take a night to have Scott in the room and last night was our night with him.  Tonight he will be with grandma and grandpa so I hope he sleeps all night for her!  Nick joked that we should let him sleep all day haha!

Tomorrow is baptism day!!  We are so excited!  There are so many people coming to the baptism and that makes me feel so good that so many people love Scott and want to be there for his special occasion.

It's a Beautiful Day!

We had the best night and morning!!!  Daddy gave Scott a bath and he went to sleep around 8:30.  He slept until 1:30, had a diaper change and a bottle, then went back to sleep.  He was ready to get up at 5 which is exactly what I want!  I am trying to get him into a schedule now and it's all coming together!  Nick woke up with us this morning and got around first and hung out with Scott while I got ready.  It was so nice to be up together, all of us.  Maybe tomorrow I will plan better so I can pack Nick a lunch.

If I get him up at 5:00, change his diaper and get him dressed for the day and feed him, he can hang out in his swing or bouncy seat while I get ready.  It doesn't really take me long to get ready so we (ideally) will have time to hang out or play a little bit or smile at each other for about 15-20 minutes before we have to go to day care.  I even got to stop for coffee this morning!  I called my order in ahead of time but still.....

Life is so great.

You're two months old already?!

I'm skipping ahead to present day.  Scott will be 10 weeks old this Thursday (April 15th) and I can't believe how old he is getting!  He started day care this week, and he is doing really well.  He had his 2 month well baby visit Monday and that means he received his first batch of immunizations.  I was not at all prepared for his reaction to the shots.  It was the most heart-wrenching scream I had heard from him yet.  My heart just broke and I picked him up as soon as the nurses let me.  I held him close and talked softly to him and he calmed right down.  I hated the fact that he was so upset, but it warmed my heart at how just my touch and voice could soothe him.

Today at day care when I went to pick him up he was being changed and I walked into the room and started talking to him and he turned his head towards me when he heard my voice!  That was one of the coolest feelings I have ever had!  He recognized my voice!  I am amazed every day by how incredible he is, by how incredible it is that Nick and I created him, that God gave us the ability to create a life.

I love being a mommy so much.

Now what do we do?

It's our first day home.  The dogs are so excited to see us and are so curious about what daddy has in that big thing he is carrying.  We get Scott out and they can't get close enough, but we know we have to keep them back because he is too small for them to be in his face!  They finally get used to him after about a day, and they turn into his protectors.  They constantly check up on him and follow Nick and I wherever we go with him.

We take Scott to his first appointment and the doctor notices he is a little more jaundice than when we were in the hospital so they check his bilirubin.  Yep, a little high.  We schedule a re-check in a couple of days.  We go back in and it's higher yet so they put an order in for a bili-blanket.  He was on that for about 36 hours and his bilirubin levels were down and he was allowed to quit the blanket!

He dropped down to 7 lbs 5 oz when we left the hospital so the doctor wanted us to closely watch his weight.  I was having kind of a hard time breast feeding, whether it was getting him to latch on, keeping him awake or getting him to suck once he was latched on.  It was so much more physically demanding than I had anticipated, and after three weeks I stopped.  I was still able to pump, but we had to start formula.  Once we started formula he started gaining weight at a normal pace.

Whew!  We made it through the first couple weeks!

Circum-what?!?!

So, Scott is two days old and it's circumcision time.  I don't want the poor little guy going through it by himself, but I definitely don't want to see that happen!  I go, because a mother will do ANYTHING for her child, even if it means sitting through his circumcision.

He gets a shot to numb the area, and that little turd almost falls asleep!  Here I was feeling sorry for him because I thought it was going to be awful and he doesn't have a CLUE as to what's going on.  But thinking about it, it's better that way because had he really known what was going on it would have been a screamfest.  I gotta tell you, watching that happen was really scary and gross!

The doctor finishes the procedure and we wheel Scott back into the room.  Just as we get back the hospital photographer decides this is the best time to take his pictures.  She was supposed to be there at 9 am that morning, but she wasn't, and now it's hectic and he is so fussy and crying so all of his hospital website pictures are of him crying.  Thanks a lot, lady.  You get circumcised and let's see if you feel like posing for pictures.

We finish out our stay in the hospital and Sunday we are released and we are going home.  We get Scott all secured in his car seat and get our things packed.  Nick goes to get the car and Scott and I wait for him.  As Nick pulls up and we get Scott in the car and I slide in next to the car seat, I start to cry a little.

And so begins the rest of our lives as a family.  My guys and me.

Hello Baby Boy

I answer the phone call.  It's Deb, one of my midwives.  She asks me if I want to have a baby today (February 4th).  Of course I say yes!  I hang up the phone and tears stream down my face as I tell Nick today is the day we get to meet our son.  Today is the day we welcome our child, that, over the last 8 1/2 months have been so excited about, into the world.  We are going to become parents today.  This the best day of our lives.

We call our parents and let them know today is the day and we are on our way to the hospital.  We get there and get settled into triage and they tell us it will be a couple hours.  That's fine, that will give our family time to get here.  So we call our parents and tell them not to rush because it will be a while.  Our parents and grandparents arrive and it becomes a hurry up and wait game.

It's about 5:30 and and they tell us we are next on the list.  Nick gets his scrubs on and I have to drink some awful antacid stuff!  UGH!  We get up and towards the OR.  I head in and get my spinal and get laid down on the table.  The spinal was nothing like I thought it would be.  I was so sure it was going to be awful.  What was awful was being laid down immediately after getting it, not being able to move, and being stark NAKED on a table in an OR full of people and the most unflattering fluorescent lights!  Nick comes in and it's time to get busy.

Incision is made.  I feel pressure from them pushing on the baby.  I feel them pull the baby out.  I hear that cry.  That beautiful little cry that is my son.  He's here.  He's really here.  He is a beautiful, healthy, amazing little man and he is ours.  Our creation out of the most true, pure, intense love that two people can have for each other.  Happy Birth Day, Scott Lee.  8 lbs 6 oz 20.25 inches long.  You are beautiful. 

And then I realize something.  Exactly one week and 36 minutes after my grandpa passed away, my son was born and I can't help but think that was more than just a coincidence considering Scott is two and a half weeks early.  When one soul left the Earth another one entered, and I have a feeling that my grandpa knew it would happen that way all along.

The Final Trimester

Due date is February 20th, and here we are at January 13th.  A little over a month away from the birth of our first child, a little boy.  I am sitting in the waiting room of my OB and finally they call my name.  We go back and they take my weight (which is getting up there by now!) and we get into the room and they take my blood pressure.  Why they do this right after they take your weight is beyond me, but such is life!

It's high.  Hmmm, let's try a different cuff, a larger cuff.  High again.  Hmmm.  Let's just talk for a while and let me calm down and take it again before the nurse leaves.  We chat it up for a little bit and talk about how the pregnancy is going and she does another check.  Damn, still high.  Ok, could just be worked up over something and not know it.  The nurse leaves and the midwife enters.

She checks me over and finds that my legs and feet are really swollen.  I just thought it was because of work and because I couldn't keep them propped up as much as I should have.  She asks me a few questions and wants to send me for blood work.  Ok, no big deal.  I go get my blood work and it comes back fine.  I am good to go.

I am back in a few days to re-check it.  Still high.  Crap, what is going on?  They send me upstairs to monitor my BP for an hour and more blood work.  Blood work comes back normal and the BP goes down every check.  They want me to stay home for a few days to see if it stays normal if I am limited to my activity.

I am home for like 5 days and bored out of my mind.  I have been told to stay in bed or on the couch and to only get up to use the restroom!  I go back to have my BP checked and it's still high.  Ok, now we are getting scary close to signs of pre-eclampsia.  More blood work is ordered and it's normal.  Man, how long am I going to have to deal with this?

My BP gets worse, and so does my grandpa's health.  He is in end stage Alzheimer's and isn't doing well.  Hospice has informed us that he will pass soon.  It's January 26th and I am at the OB's office getting a check-up and asking if it's ok for me to go to my hometown because it's time for my grandpa to pass away.  They are leery to let me go, but they do only if I promise to be back early that next week to get checked out.  They send me with a copy of my file in case something happens.  Did I mention that Baby Boy is still breech?

It's Thursday, January 28th.  It's about 5:45 in the evening and I am getting ready to leave the adult care facility where my grandpa is.  I have a moment alone with him before I go.  I told him that I love him very much and that I have been so lucky to have him in my life for so long, but I know he is tired, and that it's ok to let go.  It's ok to go to sleep.  I told him it was time for him to go home.  I hold his hand and kiss him on the forehead and tell him "See you later."  As I walked out of the facility, I knew it was the last time I would see him alive.

It's 6:00 and I just walk in the door at my mom and dad's.  The phone rings.  Grandpa just passed away.

The visitation and funeral come and I am basically on bedrest by now so I am told that I need to stay seated and keep my feet up.  I wished I could have been more physical support for my grandma, but I knew she understood.  And I knew my grandpa was watching over me and he would have been so mad had I pushed myself and jeopardized my health or the health of his great-grandson.  I can't help but think sometimes that he really listened to what I said and that he didn't want me there when he passed for fear it might upset me so much it would send my BP off the charts.

It's now exactly a week after my grandpa passed away.  It's Thursday, February 4th.  Nick and I are at my OB appointment and my midwife tells me that pending the results of a test I just did, we might have a baby tomorrow and to not eat breakfast.  Nick and I leave the office excited at the idea of having our baby so soon.  I know deep down that those test results will not be normal and we will have a baby tomorrow.

We get a call on our way home from the midwife and she says NOT to eat lunch because they are going to get the test results today because I have been battling the BP for so long.  She said they would have them by 1 pm and they would call me as soon as they get them.  We go home and call our parents to tell them to be on stand-by because Baby Boy might come today.

The phone rings about 1:40 p.m.  My results are in...

To find out or Not to find out

Now we are approaching week 18, and that is far enough along to find out the gender.  At first we didn't want to find out.  We loved the idea of not knowing and being surprised as soon as the baby is born.  Then we thought about it a little more and I did not like the neutral items out there, the ones I could find.  With technology being as amazing as it is today, everyone is finding out.  This means everything is boy or girl.  The selection of gender neutral was slim, and what they had wasn't cute.  I really loved the thought of having a nursery decked out in either boy or girl stuff.  So, we decided to find out.

We asked our parents to be there because it was the first grandchild for my mother-in-law and the first grandchild from me for my parents.  The ultrasound tech got started with measurements and everything with baby looked good!  Now, she has moved on to looking at the gender.  She has an idea of what it is, but can't get that shot that really confirms it so she has me get up and use the restroom.  I come back in, get back on the table and they goop up my belly again.  She has a look around and............

IT'S A BOY!!!

Let's get this baby growing!

We have out initial doctor's appointment with my OBGYN and we are inundated with information.  Too much to process at one time!

The pregnancy progresses and I am out of my first trimester.  I was so tired all the time, but I couldn't complain because I wasn't sick.  I will take tired over sick any day.  Being pregnant was awesome!

I remember when I felt the baby first move.  I was at my mom and dad's house and I was already in bed.  My appetite had greatly increased and as I lay there my stomach growled and I thought "Ugh, not again!  I just ate before I came to bed" and as I changed positions it happened again.  I lay there debating on getting up and grabbing a snack and it happens again.  Except it doesn't feel like a stomach growl.  It feels more like little flutters, like a group of butterflies is flying around in my belly tickling me.  Then it hit me right in the face.  It's the baby!!!  Oh my gosh!  It's the baby moving!  I can feel it move!  I was so excited I couldn't go to sleep.  So I lay there with a huge smile on my face feeling the movement of that little baby growing inside of me.

In the beginning...

It all started one beautiful, sunny day in late May.  We never imagined that our "afternoon delight" would change our lives forever.  Yes, we had decided to start trying for a baby, but we just never thought too much about how this time could be the time.

I found out I was pregnant on Friday, June 19th, 2009.  It was the Friday before Father's Day.  I had come home from work and decided that since we were leaving for vacation soon, I had better take one more test to make sure I wasn't pregnant since I would be drinking and all.  Positive.  It was positive.  Instantly, it was positive.  Oh my GOD!  I'm pregnant!  I have to call Nick!  I have to call him and tell him!  So, I dial the phone and start talking and realize "You dimwhit, you can't tell him you are pregnant with your first child on the PHONE!" so I make up some story about planning dinner and wanting to know what time he was going to be home.  I knew I had time to go get a blood test done to be 100% sure I was before I told him.  Turns out it took A LOT longer at the doctor's office and he beat me home.

I almost just blurted it out but knew I had to tell him in a really cool way.  He got me a mother's day card from the dogs, so I figured I could give him a present from the dogs.  I wrapped up a onsie and the test and gave it to him.  Long story short, he opened it, we hugged and kissed and got so excited at the thought of our little baby.