Heartbroken is not a strong enough word......

Last Thursday I took Braylon to the vet because he had lost MORE weight and I didn't think it had to do with the growths on his gums.  I asked that they get him in for x-rays and they did.  What I was about to hear would rock my world.

(Braylon and our oldest son, Scott)

Dr. P (his vet) said that what she saw on the x-ray and what she was seeing from a quick blood test worried her that it was lymphoma.  She told me that his liver was incredibly enlarged, and all of the nodules she was seeing were on the liver.  But otherwise, everything seemed to be good.  She got us a referral to an oncologist and I called and they got us in the next day.

OMG.  CANCER?!?!  My dogs has CANCER?!?!  Calm down, Mandi.  It could be something else.  Dr. P said she didn't really have the necessary tools to diagnose.  It's not cancer.  Braylon doesn't have cancer.

It's Friday (last) and we had our appt with the oncologist.  LOTS of testing....and lots of bad news.  The oncologist had determined that it was, in fact, lymphoma.  She also found a large mass (half the size of his heart) in the middle of his chest.  She said that she wanted to wait to get the pathology reports back before officially confirming, but she was confident in saying that it was more than likely lymphoma.

Fast forward to today.  Pathology reports are in.  My sweet, wonderful, amazing buddy has lymphoma and it's in his liver.  That automatically makes it a stage 4.  To say that my heart is breaking into a million little pieces is a complete understatement.  It feels like my breath has been knocked out; like I have been hit by a truck.  Even though I knew, I just knew what the reports were going to say, it hit me like a truck.

Average survival is 9-18 months.  It can be treated but never cured.  As long as he can be happy and not hurt then we will do everything that we can to make his last weeks/months/etc the best of our lives.

I am happy to report, however, that he seems to be responding to what they gave him last Friday and has begun eating and drinking again.  He is also showing signs of his healthy, happy, wiggly self and I am happy that Braylon is back.

I am asking YOU for a favor.  Please say a prayer, send a positive thought, whatever you do for Bray.  He is such a tough guy but he is in for the fight of his life, for his life, and he will need all that he can get.

What seed are you?

Today in church the message really spoke to me.  It did the same last week, as well as pretty much every time I go!  We focused on Mark 4:1-20.  It's basically about a sower "sowing" seeds and just kind of throwing them everywhere.  Some seeds went onto stony ground, where there was not much earth and it immediately sprang up.  When the sun came out it scorched the plant because it had no root.  Some seeds fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up around the plant, choking it so that it did not produce fruit.  And then there were the seeds that fell on good ground, that yielded fruit that sprang up and increased.

Pastor Bill goes on to talk about the different types of soils and gardening and in all of this I discover that, sadly, I am a seed that has fallen into the thorns.  There are things in my life that I need to let go of, that God wants me to let die, but until I can do that I will not be living a full and complete life.  I will not "bear fruit," so to say.  These things are not things I want to continue to think about.  I want to let them go COMPLETELY.  I want to let these things die (I don't literally want the people to die; I want my situation with them to die, to go away).  Why I am holding on to these things is beyond me.  Maybe it's because I feel like there is so much more to be said.  Or maybe it's because I feel that what was there was too good to let go of.  Or maybe it's because I still really care.  Whatever the reason, God spoke to me this morning to let these things die.  Let them go.  Everything happens for a reason.  People enter and exit your life for a reason.  Situations in your life happen for a reason.

So, tonight I will pray this prayer....

Lord Jesus, please be with me as I learn to let this situation die.  Please give me the strength to move on from what has happened and to grow from it.  I want to be the seed that flourishes and bears fruit and is bountiful.  Help me to continue to walk closer and closer with you, as I give my life to you every day to be the person You would have me to be.  I pray this in your Holy name, Amen.

All aboard!

The crazy train, that is.  It's here again, and when I looked back on when it happened with Scott it was around the three month mark.

At first when Noah came home things were great.  I wasn't exhausted.  Scott was really great.  Things were actually pretty easy.  But now I am tired all the time.  Scott has realized that Noah is going to be staying with us, he wasn't just a cute new thing here for a visit, and things seem harder than ever before.

Of course, there are a lot of other things.  I have a lot of anger and hatred in my heart and I don't want that.  I am also having some major image issues.  I was able to drop back down to pre-pregnancy weight fairly fast, but have gained weight in the last month.  I sometimes feel like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers: "I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat."  I have also been feeling completely overwhelmed and so incredibly unappreciated.  Unappreciated.  Yuck.  People who know me know it's not about gifts to me.  It's not about getting something, but Mother's Day came and went and I didn't even get a card.  Yes, I was told "Happy Mother's Day" but it isn't the same, you know?  That really hurt because being a mom is my job, it's the only thing I do, and I was just so shocked that I received nothing.  Now, for the sake of not sounding spoiled or something, I wasn't expecting any kind of gift.  But not even a card?  I have never felt that worthless before.

I have also been feeling like something huge is missing from my life.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children, but sometimes I feel like I'm not contributing anything.

I did find a therapist and have seen her once already and have an appointment for tomorrow.  When I walked out of her office last week I felt like a new woman, so I am excited to see where our sessions go.

What is my point in sharing this?  I have no idea.  Maybe it's so that if someone else is going through what I am going through they will know they aren't alone?  Maybe it's so that I can vent these issues and get them off my chest?  I don't know.  I just know that I felt compelled to share this, so here it is....

Baby Noah

Noah Rex Smith was born at 2:19 p.m. on Monday, February 27, 2012.  He was (I am still in shock and have no idea how this happened) 11 lbs, 5.2 oz, 21.75 inches.  DAMN!  He was delivered via scheduled c-section.  He was named after my Grandpa Hoover (Rex) who passed away exactly one week before our first son Scott was born.  Noah has the most beautiful blueish/gray eyes and red hair.  Nick has red facial hair, as did both of his grandpas.

The minute I heard his little cry (probably because he was hungry haha!) I was completely enamored all over again.  Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, can compare to the first time you hear/see your newborn baby.  Don't get me wrong, I looooove Nick to the moon, but the love you have for your children is so completely different.  This surgery was a lot different than with Scott.  I felt pretty short of breath for most of it and I got insanely stuffed up, leaving me to breath out of my mouth with resulted in some seriously dry lips!  It took them so long to get him out, no doubt because he was large and in charge.  Nick went with Noah and the nurses to recovery where they continued to watch him and clean him up while I got put back together.

When I got to recovery Nick told me that Noah's breathing was really fast because he had some fluid that didn't get squeezed out of his lungs.  This was a concern for an hour or so, until the on-call pediatrician came in to check him over and gave him the ok to go up to our room with us!  We finally got settled into our room and I was ready to enjoy my first night with my new little guy and Nick.

Breastfeeding proved to be a big issue because he was SO hungry, and at that point I wasn't producing a lot of milk, but he seemed to be latching on ok.  Tuesday came and through the morning/afternoon he was acting kind of weird; kind of lethargic and not interested in eating at all.  I had told the nurse about it and the pediatrician came up and checked him out.  By early evening he was down in the NICU.  First I want to say to any parent who has had a child in the NICU my prayers are with you every second your child is there.  I pray for God to give you the strength to be strong for yourself, your spouse/partner, and your child.  That was the HARDEST thing I had ever had to go through.  Seeing my sweet little angel on that NICU table with all of the lights and monitors and beeping.  I lost it.  I broke down and lost it.

It turned out that he had an infection so they needed to start him on IV antibiotics.  After seeing them poke him what seemed to be 1,000 times I had to leave.  My body felt like it was going to give out since I had just had major surgery just over 24 hours earlier and for Noah's sake I needed to not be near him because I couldn't stay composed.  They ended up having to put an IV in his head because it wouldn't stay in his little hands, and the best veins are actually in the head.

We had to wait 48 hours to know if the infection was cleared up, so it sucked.  Thanks to the good Lord above, it really wasn't serious, just a case of needing some extra medicine that he couldn't get if he weren't there.  By Tuesday night, he was moved into the step-down nursery of the NICU.  His breathing was still increased, but every day it stabilized more and more.

Thursday came and I was discharged.  I had to leave the hospital without my little guy.  There was an incredibly empty feeling.  I was so glad to be home but we were missing a big piece.

Friday morning we were getting around to go in and see Noah.  We had his diaper bag all packed and his car seat in anticipation that he would be coming home today!  We were getting positive updates after the antibiotics had been started and with his breathing continuing to stabilize, we were SURE he was coming home!  Results of the infection came back and he was clean.  Overnight Thursday into Friday showed breathing was good.  He was getting discharged!  We were so excited and calling everyone to tell them and were so grateful he was busting out.  He had yet to get circumcised, so they got everything around for that and got that taken care of.  He did NOT like that.  Scott pretty much slept through his, but Noah screamed bloody murder through his.  I wanted to stop the doctor and demand she give him another shot of whatever she gave him because it did not seem to be working.  We got through it and he had calmed down and we were changing his diaper and getting his clothes changed when it happened.  A nurse in the room noticed his breathing was not good.  It was very labored and very fast.  She called the pediatrician who was on rounds that morning and she wanted to consult with the pediatrician who did the circumcision - who was actually Noah's main pediatrician (and Scott's).  After consulting with each other they told us he was not coming home.  Oh my God, I was hit with a ton of bricks.  He's not coming home? What do you mean?  You discharged him already?  After I was angry I calmed down and knew that we were lucky this had happened while we were still there because if it had happened at home would we have known what to do?  What if something more serious had happened.....would the 15 minute drive to the hospital have been quick enough?

Saturday came and went, along with Sunday and Monday and still Noah wasn't coming home.  But each morning they called me and gave me the update before we went in to see him and each day got better.  Tuesday morning came and Nick had to go back to work.  So, off he went and I waited for my morning update before getting Scott around to go see him.  The call came and I was told he was being discharged.  I didn't want to get excited.  I didn't want to go through the extreme joy and then extreme disappointment again.  I called Nick and told him and his boss let him leave.  So, we went to go *hopefully* bring our baby home.

Noah came home eight days after he was born.  I know there are parents who go weeks and months with their child in the NICU, and I don't know how they do it.  Noah was in there a week and I thought I would die.

And today, we have two beautiful little boys.  Scott, 2 yrs and Noah, 3 1/2 months.

No more drama

I never would have guessed we would be here.  I never would have guessed that it would end this way.  But it did and I am moving on, but there are some things I need to get off my chest.

You were my best friend.  You were the one who understood me inside and out.  You were the one I went to with everything.  And then something happened that started our drifting apart.  The birth of my son.

At first it was hard.  We had a falling out but I thought we worked through it.  Things were good and then something else happened.  You found the one.  You were spending all your time with him and I had my son to keep me busy and we drifted some more.

It seemed you had time for other friends and not me and it really concerned me.  I wrote you an email to tell you how I felt, not as a finger pointing but just a hey, let's get back on track and you replied back and attacked me, and compared my son to your dog (who, by the way, was your excuse to never come and see me where I live but I packed up my son and spent the night three times at your place, not including the countless times I hopped in the car and drove just under two hours to see you).  I never let my son - or my dogs for that matter - get in the way of seeing you.

And then today happened.  I was catching up on my emails when I had one from Pro Flowers reminding me about Sweetest Day (which is today) so I put up a silly post on my husband's facebook about how it is a sham holiday for Hallmark to get richer but that I loved him and you changed your status to "you are mean and nasty.  strike 2."  After I posted on my husband's account I saw that your fiance got you flowers and that is sweet.  I just think Sweetest Day and Valentine's Day are silly holidays.  I didn't know we were counting strikes, because I could name a few for you, too, but I didn't see our friendship that way.  My comment had NOTHING to do with you, and I texted you to let you know that, and you purposefully ignored it.  How do I know that?  Because shortly after I texted you, you posted a picture from your phone.

SO you know what?  I am done walking on egg shells trying to please you and make you a priority when you won't make me one.  I am so broken up and sad about this it makes me want to bawl, but I won't shed a tear for you.  I won't be sad that our 11 year friendship is over.

I do wonder, though, maybe you need to really sit back and take a good look at yourself because you had a big falling out with your then best friend a year ago, and now I am out of your life.  Maybe it's not those friends....maybe it's you.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Me, and I'm knocked up (again)!

Ok, so that title was a little on the bad taste side, but I thought it was funny!

Yep, I am pregnant with Baby Smith #2!  Due date is March 4th, which would be SO cool if it happens that day because it is exactly a month after Scott's birthday!  Or, it would also be cool if Baby Smith #2 came earlier and both our babies had birthdays in February!  Way to plan on our part....I don't have to buy new maternity clothes!

Right now I am 17 weeks along, and this pregnancy has been so completely different than when I was pregnant with Scott.  I was so nauseous this time during the first trimester and even though I am not anymore, a lot of foods don't sound good or taste good.  I can't eat grilled chicken.  And the last time I tried to eat some seafood I about lost it!  NOOOOO!  I love seafood!

I started showing A LOT sooner this time around, and I have already felt movement.  I don't think I felt Scott move until around 20 weeks.  I don't want to find out this time but Nick does.  He wants to make sure we have clothes if it's a girl.  I don't think that is a big concern considering how much our moms showered Scott in clothing :-)

Scott doesn't really know what's going on yet.  We talk about the baby in mommy's belly and he goes to appointments with us.  I can't wait until I am really showing and he notices.  He is now sleeping in his big boy bed, too!  We wanted to get him in there before the baby came home and he didn't get a chance to transition into the big boy bed.

Ok, I really need to get to folding clothes.  I have sort of slacked off on laundry and organizing this evening!

The Day Care Debate

Ok, a bit of background.  I was working full time when I had Scott.  I went back to work full time and was laid off.  I was then a full time stay at home mom for a while then got a part time retail job.

Today I was helping a guest look through some different products.  We were talking about her soon to be grandchild and she asked me if I had any kids so I was telling her about Scott.  I mentioned that I worked only part time and was mostly a stay at home mom.  She got into this BIG rant about how she thought it was so important for women to stay at home with their kids and that they aren't "raised" in day care and on and on and on.

Ok, I would LOVE to be a full time mom and housewife.  I am home a lot and I don't do as good of a job keeping up on chores and cooking as I should, so I know I need to work on that, but that being said, that is a job that I would love to do.  Do I feel that every woman should stay home with their children?  NO.  Every person's situation is different.  A lot of women want to work outside of the house full time.  Good for you.  Go be an awesome career woman.  My mom worked full time and THEN some at the business she and my dad owned and ran and I never felt like she didn't raise me, or that she wasn't there for me.  In fact, both of my parents were there for me every second of every day, while working all day and sometimes all night.  I digress....

I loved the day care that Scott was in.  I love the woman who runs it.  If it were possible (and I guess I don't know that it isn't....) I would have him there once or twice a week just for the socialization.  I think she does a fantastic job and she loved Scott, and every other child there with all of her heart.  I have a friend and old co-worker who just started a day care out of her home and she is a fantastic person.  I think day care is important MOST of all because of the socialization your child gets there.  Now granted, not all day cares are created equally.

Like I said before, every situation is different.  Financially, it's best for me to work right now and I am ok with that.  I get to work part time retail, I get to do my Scentsy thing, and I get time with Scott.

Time to let go already?

You know how you have to "let go" of your child when they go off to college?  Or when they get married?  Nobody told me I would have to do that by the time Scott was 16 months old.

Something changed in me when Scott was born.  In a matter of SECONDS, I was willing to die for this baby that I had yet to see (because he was born by c-section).  I would jump in front of a bullet, in front of a train, if I knew it would spare his life.  In a matter of seconds, I loved harder and in such a different way than I had ever loved before.

Scott has an incredible family, and Nick and I have a great support system in helping us care for him.  I have never, ever been concerned that he wasn't in good hands with our family members who watch him (so if you are reading this PLEASE don't think that!  If I was that worried he wouldn't have spent time alone with you haha!), but there is always this part of me that is scared to death that something might happen.  What if he falls down and hurts himself?  What if there is a car accident?  What if.......?  And then it hit me.  All of those things could happen to him on MY watch.

And the other part to that is "I forgot to tell him that he likes blah blah blah" or "I wonder if they know to slice the grape in half, and then quarter the halves" or "make sure he has blanky at bedtime."  I then remind myself that the people Scott is with have raised their own kids.

Man, there is so much parenting books don't teach you.

My name is Mandi...

...and I am an over-eater.

After reading an article in some magazine at work in the break room today I have come to the hard realization that I am an over-eater.  I splurge and it's bad and I think it could be one of the biggest reasons I am the weight that I am.  It's no big deal for me to eat an entire box of swiss cake rolls in two days.  I know, that is so terrible and you may be thinking "whoa!" because that is exactly what I am thinking as I write this.  I know that for me to be successful in my journey to a healthier me I have to face my food demons, and this is one of them.

Remember when I said in one of my first posts about how I didn't want to say I had an addiction because I felt it was a slap in the face to someone with a "real" addiction?  Hello, denial, we meet at last.  I think that I may have a bit (putting it nicely) of an addiction to food.  I don't get just one candy bar.  I get an entire box from Sam's club.  A box of Little Debbie's doesn't last long around me.  Two days tops most of the time.  I have a really hard time with having just a little bit.

One of the things the writer of the article said was that it was easier to have none than to have one and it got me thinking.  Do I have the self-discipline to have, every now and than, one sweet?  Do I have the willpower to have one package of swiss cake roll and not the entire box?  Do I need to just say goodbye and cut myself off?

I guess I am having a hard time with this one.  Alcoholics don't get to have a drink here and there.  Crackheads don't get to have a hit off the pipe here and there.  Here is where it gets me - is food ruining my life the way drugs or alcohol ruin other people's lives?  I thought that I believed that the saying "all things in moderation" was true, that it applied to me.  Does it?  Or do I need to "get off the crack pipe," so-to-say?

Day 3

Weight: 226.6
Date: 3/24/11
Trained with Tom

Yeah, you read that correctly.  226.6.  Down from my 230.4 the night before.  I should probably start putting a date in, huh?  It will make logging this stuff a little easier!

Thursday's workout was awesome.  I was able to increase the weight/resistance on some of my exercises and Tom showed me a few new ones.  One of them I hate but kind of love because I can definitely feel some results in my stomach section (one of my major bad areas) and it's actually something I can do here at home because I have an exercise ball!

I splurged on dinner tonight.  I went to Wendy's and got a grilled chicken sandwich, SMALL fry and a Pepsi.  Would have gotten diet, but I don't like Diet Pepsi.  I like Diet Coke, but not Diet Pepsi.

I can't like and say that every second of every day I am pumped about my workouts, because I know how hard it's going to work me, but I can say that every second of every day I am looking forward to a healthier me, and that makes me not dread the workouts as much!  Haha!

Fly

3/24/11

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive 
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise 
to fly 
to fly 
Fly by Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna


Tonight I rocked out the cardio at the gym.  Nick and Scott and I went to the mall earlier in the day and I got some pretty tight shoes.  I'm not gonna lie, I might sleep with them on tonight.  Or sleep with them, snuggling them all night.  Anyway, I digress......I rocked out the treadmill and my iPod to the tune of 3.5 miles, 469 calories and one hour.  And, make sure you are sitting down.  For two of those minutes (not consecutively) I jogged.  Yeah, 2 minutes out of 60 I jogged.  Eat it.  Actually, if you knew how badly out of shape I am you would think that is awesome the way I think it's awesome.


I also hopped on the scale at the gym and was sad to see it read 230.4 lbs.  Must be my scale at home is crappy and it sucks so I guess I will have to use theirs from now on, or just go out and buy a nice scale.  Which we need anyway....and it's nice to have one at home.


While at the mall I got a text from Tom reminding me about our workout tomorrow.  I told him that I got some new kicks and he was pumped about it.  I am sure he will think they are pretty much the most awesome shoes ever.


Ok, now I am going to rest a bit and probably shower cause I am a stinky-butt.

Bad food! Bad, bad food!

Today was a bad food day for me.  I won't go into lots of detail here, but I am going through that special time that females go through so I am naturally out of sorts.  I had a really, REALLY bad food day.

I indulged in ice cream and fast food (ok, and I had a carmello bar) and I am feeling so guilty and bad about it!  I know that I can't just stop one eating lifestyle and start the other up and not have slip ups.  I don't at all want to make my situation out to be some sort of food addiction, because I don't think that's fair to people who actually HAVE addictions and I don't.  I don't want to make light of their situation.  But today I just could not get enough, and I let the temptation get the best of me.

I guess that means double-time on the cardio tomorrow!  :-)

Day 2

Weight - 223 (I don't think there has been a true drop in 7 pounds, our scale is old and rickity)

Today was awesome!  We did most of the same things as Saturday, but I was able to go at them a little faster.  One particular thing, that I couldn't do all 20 of consecutively, I was able to do today consecutively!  I felt the burn a little bit more with today's exercises.  After my workout with Tom (I keep wanting to call him Tony!) I went upstairs and hit the treadmill but only for 10 minutes.  I had a bit of a pain in my chest (NOTHING to worry about.  I am fine!) so I hopped on the bike for 10 minutes/1.3 miles.  Scott had fun playing with the other kiddos in the child care area.

Overall, it was a great workout!

Day 1

Weight - 230 lbs
Trainer - Tom (Tom is the man!)

Oh man!  Tom kicked my ass!  He had me do all sorts of activities.  I was working muscles I didn't know I had anymore.  I thought for a little while after our workout that I might puke.  This is going to sound weird, but, THANK YOU, Tom!

First activity - squat down with medicine ball, touch medicine ball on ground, stand up put medicine ball over head and JUMP.  I did two sets of 20.  (I need to mention that the walls are covered in mirrors).  Ummm, Tom, we need to talk.  This activity does not look good on me!  Haha!  As much as I hated it and it burned and I looked like the chubby girl who was really out of shape, I almost can't wait to do more because I know how good it is for me!  We did about 10-15 different activities, two sets of each.  As I was doing each one, some a lot tougher than others, all I could think about was the end result.  I will be healthier.  I will look better, and feel better about the way I look and the way I feel.

After our workout, Tom and I sat down and we talked numbers.  I hate the word diet, because to me it has a negative connotation.  I don't need a diet, I need a lifestyle change.  He gave me some tips on eating healthier and ways to make that easier.

I know I have a steep, up-hill battle to climb.  As hard as it is going to be, I can't help but be excited to start climbing.

The turning point

I don't want to compare the current me to high school me in terms of weight, but I have only ever GAINED weight since my high school graduation.  Not counting pregnancy, I have gained 100 pounds since high school.  It's time to make a change.

I had been trying, for some time, to deny that I was as big as I am.  When I looked in the mirror I saw someone completely different than pictures show.  I've never seen myself as fat.  I know that word sounds so harsh, but I have finally accepted the fact that I am fat.  I am obese, actually.  This isn't a pity party for me, this is the first step in what will be an amazing change in my life.

I have joined a gym and they do a free fitness evaluation.  I decided why not?  The results were shocking.  I decided right then and there that I needed to make a big change, and I needed to do it immediately.  I signed up to work with a personal trainer (because I knew if I had someone to be accountable to, I would keep with it) 3 times a week for three months.  I have set a big goal for myself, too.  I plan to achieve that goal.

So here I go.  This is The Biggest Loser Mandi Smith style!

To Chad with love.

http://sadandchara.blogspot.com/2011_02_09_archive.html

As I sit here still weeping from reading the words in the blog above, I am also in utter amazement.  If Chad's were are not a true testament of God's spectacular love for us, than I do not know what is.

Chad is a man I do not know.  He is a man who lost his wife, Sara, (who was in her last month of pregnancy) in a car accident.  The doctors delivered their baby, a daughter named Miranda.  Unfortunately, Miranda's injuries were very serious and she was put on life support. Tuesday, Chad had to make the decision to take her off of life support.  In three days' time, this man lost his wife and his newborn daughter.  He wasn't angry with God, he didn't blame God for what happened.  He was so comforted in the fact that his little baby and his wife were together and they were with Jesus.  He didn't curse God, he wasn't angry with Him.

It is so hard sometimes to accept that God doesn't let bad things happen, nor does he take people from us.  As hard as that is to understand, He doesn't do those things.  God is amazing, and He loves us so much and he is holding Chad so close to His heart right now.

I finished a book called The Shack about a month or so ago.  Please read it.  It helped me so much in understanding death and tragedy.

Chad, my heart and prayers and thoughts are with you now, and with your family.  I pray that God will lay His healing hand upon you and your family.  May God Bless you and Keep you.

That can NEVER happen to my child......

Oh yes it can.

Something happened last night.  And as embarrassing/shameful as it is to share, because it shows my failure as a mother in that incident, I am hoping that this will be a WARNING to all mothers out there.

I vacuum my floors every other day.  I should do it every day because of the pets but I don't.  Jake got a hold of a football toy that was Scott's.  He slobbed it all up and managed to chew off the white plastic part that was the laces of the football.  I picked it up right away and threw it away.

Nick took Scott back to give him a bottle and put him to bed and he mentioned something about how it looked like he was chewing.  We agreed that it was due to his teething and so was the drooling.  Scott took the bottle then went to bed.

About two hours later he started to fuss so I went in to see what was wrong.  He was really stuffy so I set him upright on his changing table and when I leaned him back to snort out his nose I noticed something white in his mouth.  OH MY GOD it was part of the white plastic thing from that football.  Thought #1 - holy shit (pardon me)!  He could have choked and died right in his crib right under our noses!  Thought #2 what the hell kind of mother doesn't look into her child's mouth when it looks like he is chewing on something?  Thought #3 - HOLY SHIT, MY CHILD COULD HAVE CHOKED ON THIS AND DIED!

Needless to say, I was a complete mess.  I was so messed up.  I was crying and I couldn't put him down.  I sat down in the chair to rock with him and he fell asleep and I just sat there CRYING and thanking God for watching over Scott, when I had failed to do that myself.  I am still so upset about this.  I can't believe that I didn't just check in his mouth.

I guess when it comes down to it, I'm not a bad mother.  I just made a mistake.  Yes, a mistake that could have turned out very badly, but it didn't and now I need to learn from it.

So, if you think it can't happen to your child, it can, and it probably will no matter how many times a day/week you vacuum, or clean up or pick up.  You child, especially a batboy toddler, will find things you didn't know were there so you need to be incredibly careful to make sure you pick up every single little thing.

Last night could have turned out so differently, so awful, but it didn't.  I made a vow last night that I will never again have the attitude that "it will never happen to my child" and I ask that you, too, make that same vow right now.

For You, Grandpa.

Exactly one year ago today (at 6:00 pm), my grandpa passed away.  I could go on and on and tell all of my memories of him.  Like the time we were in Ft Lauderdale and he put a little lizard on my arm and had me go knock at the door so my grandma would come.  She let out this loud scream and I just giggled and giggled.  Or the time we left Sunday coffee with his buddies and when we got to the street he and my grandma lives on, he let me climb into his lap and "steer" the car home.  Now, we all know who *really* did all the steering.  At church on Sunday when we would stand up to sing, he would always point at the wrong song so I would start to sing that one.

He was at every sporting event, every school concert, every time I sang in church, no matter what church it was.  He was always there, with the biggest smile on his face like I was his little shining star.  He always let me know how much he loved me and how proud he was of me.  He was always there for me.  ALWAYS.

Grandpa, I know it's selfish, but I wish that you were back with me.  I wish that you were around to crack your jokes and to tell me that you love me.  I wish you were still here so that I could look out into the crowd at see you smile your smile at me.  I wish you were here to hug me again, like I was your favorite grandchild, although I know you hugged us all like that.  I wish you could meet Scott, I know you would be so proud of him and would love him so much.

But as much as I wish all of these things, I am glad that you don't hurt anymore.  That you aren't sick anymore.  Most of all I am glad that you are helping God prepare my place in Heaven, where we will one day be together again.

So, in honor of you today, on this one year anniversary of your passing, I leave you with this song, your favorite song.  My Way by Frank Sinatra.

And now the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend I'll say it clear
I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few
But then again too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried
I've had my fill, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that
And may I say not in a shy way
Oh no, oh no, not me
I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got
If not himself then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

Yes it was my way

Back to work, Back to work......

It's back to work for this girl!  I have had an incredible 7 months being home with Scott, and don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute of it, but I am the kind of person who needs to feel like she is doing something good for someone.  Again, not that I didn't get complete satisfaction knowing that I was being a great mom for Scott, I just needed to be out there helping others, too.

I am the latest part-time employee at a national baby retail chain.  I figured it wouldn't be too hard to be "away" from Scott if I surround myself with baby products!  And, I wanted to be there to help expecting/new moms and anyone getting a gift for an expecting/new mom.

Tomorrow is my 1st real day (of not being in orientation and watching videos) of being on the floor and learning stuff.  I am pretty pumped so cross your fingers that it all goes swimmingly!

Mr. Get-A-Round

Well, Mr. Scott is crawling and pulling himself up on EVERYTHING and it's so cute!  When he first started crawling he was so slow going and so careful.  Now he is just so brave and there is no obstacle he won't take on.....especially Braylon!

The kid is fearless.  He just goes!  It's so funny when he sees something he really wants he does the crawling equivalent of running!  He is so happy that he can crawl to the dogs now, and he greets them with an open mouth.  Yuck!  No kisses in the mouth, Braylon and Jake!